Discover more from H Himself
On Wasting Time, On Output and On Losing Ambition
This one may be be bad
Thoughts on this week
Or at least this post will start out bad, that’s where i’m at as i begin to write this. I haven’t been too on top of things this week - my routines have been crappy, my head has lacked focus and i have not felt present. As such i’m not too hopeful this will be an entertaining read.
I think what is unexpected (though if i’m being honest it was very expected) is that you would think having a lot more free time would’ve given me the space and freedom to be able to do all the things i planned to do. But the truth is i’ve sort of settled into a daily routine of just existing. I understand if i’m being hard on myself - after all
it’s just been a month!
But already i feel like i have days where i feel very discontent with how i’m using my time. I’ve heard of this happening to every account i’ve read of people taking sabbaticals in search of a life or career pivot so this is to be expected, but still.
I’ve also been inhaling Paul Graham essays over the last week or two which probably isn’t great in terms of feeling contentment. PGs essays are the truth, i get along better with people who feel that way as well.
(things i journaled throughout the week - i do generally journal when i have the least clarity so if it feels like i’m always frazzled when you read these it’s because i am in those moments, but it’s not how i am all the time)
I think something interesting you may notice is how i talk to myself through my journals, i try to be very honest and open w/ my emotions towards myself. At times parts of me will confront each other and then hash it out - other times they will back each other up, lift us up when we’re down. If the conversation feels disjointed at times it’s because part of the conversation happened in my head.
On wasting time
Where are we today? I feel like we genuinely tried to, did we? Dude, we were falling asleep to YouTube again. I doubt that counts as proper rest. Listen, I think we just have to bite the bullet.
Let's stop wasting time. You're angry, and I'm annoyed. We know we're inspired by many things, but I'm just frustrated that I can't have infinite time and energy to manage everything. Okay, you're not angry; you're having a tantrum. Yes, I'm sorry. Look, we're not even that badly rested in my opinion. That's true.
Okay, we know that performance is something we need to focus on. It's in us, and I think we'd thrive. If busking is too high-stakes, especially in terms of setup, let's do something like an open mic or So Far Sounds. Okay, good. Now, the other thing we need to do is create a new product. I like the idea of uploading a photo and getting a stream. It seems like a fun little project to make.
Okay, tap into source - What do we feel? ◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️REDACTED◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️ Okay, that was an honest insight, and I'm glad we were able to type that out. Me too. I don't think fretting about our sleep is going to be good. We should just focus on fulfillment during the day. And I do think the NBA playoffs are starting to be used as a crutch by resistance.
I think we should focus on setting up milestones for ourselves. That seems to be a uniquely good forcing function to move forward. It's ironic to be using outcomes as our proxy for process-driven things, but these are processes I know I love. I just need some help overcoming resistance. Resistance will use anything to overcome us. We can't relent.
Okay, we’re a little aimless with what we should do - I think using Zaid’s questionnaire could be really useful here. I think building small tools is definitely something worth building and it’s fine if they don’t hit all the marks we’re looking for. I think right now just having output is important. We must create, but also try to make it useful.
Do during the day that helps you sleep at night. Hey, we did. a bunch of stuff today, we’re okay.
On losing ambition
I think there’s something within me that I need to figure out in terms of my own capabilities. As I listen to PG, I realize that we doubt ourselves because everything that has made our life and emotional state better seems to be the opposite of what I need to be the person I think I'm supposed to be. It's not even a question of a part of me, you know. I think I'm supposed to be more than I am.
I have lost discipline, I'm sure I'm willful, and I've lost ambition too. But I know I can build those back. If that is the truth, then I have to build them back and accept whatever parts of my life that don't work with that won’t make it. It sounds grim, but that's what I think.
On nice days, hosting people and doing things i enjoy but others don’t
I feel an internal wave of "we can use our time better or differently." No, that’s not what it is - it’s just a reflex of "this isn’t what I want to do right now." Okay, is that worth following? I think so - this one doesn’t seem destructive because we’re unabashedly doing something that wastes our time. We could easily go around and gather the stuff we need instead of sitting here. It’s also so nice outside; we could go and get that stuff.
We’re a bit worried about space and what to do when people are here. I think that is a little bit accurate for sure. I think we can start cooking way earlier than we think. Anyways, I think it’s the wasting time thing that’s hurting us. Listen, I understand that these internal welling ups of emotion against what we’re doing can be destructive as well, and that we can’t blindly follow them, but right now they are useful for us. And yes, we do need to spend time thinking about what we're 1) good at and 2) something we enjoy doing that other people don’t. That’s genuinely something to think about. And I wonder if being in a place like SF and being on Twitter negates a lot of that stuff. I think that’s important to think about. Actually, journaling is something that a lot of people don’t enjoy doing. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - okay….journaling. It genuinely isn’t something that we’re too off about doing, but other people can find it fairly unproductive.
Things i did
Hosted a dinner
Went to a birthday thing and hung out w/ some college friends as well. Overall a very social week for me! I’ll be out of town for the next couple of weeks traveling to LA and then Mexico. It’ll be interesting to see how my self-talk changes as i have this big change of scenery, something tells me it’ll be good.
Started building a chrome extension
It basically helps me write the next section easier - more on this later
What i read
I am consuming a lot and producing too little - and that is always a recipe for discontentment. The amount of time “wasting time” pops up in this post is also quite the glaring signal. There’s also the acceptance of figuring out your path isn’t easy - out of billions of people on earth, only a couple hundred thousand actually do what they love - by definition that isn’t easy so i think going through this initial phase of discombobulation makes sense. Change is uncomfortable.