On listening to myself.

As strange as it may sound to someone unaware of this way of being - this is my model for clarity.

So the story goes like this…

I feel like I'm generally good at listening to myself, me - the actor - listening to me - the thinker or feeler.

In fact, I think I'm better at this than most people in the world.

But I also have periods where I don't, which isn't necessarily bad - I think some time spent away from myself is healthy. Me - the thinker/feeler (I'll just use "theeler" for now, even if it sounds ridiculous) - wouldn't really have much of the world to think about without Me - the actor.

Think, is your actor separate from your theeler?

Are the outlines of the two clear enough where they can be themselves?

Can they have a conversation without you coming in the middle?

As strange as it may sound to someone unaware of this way of being - this is my model for clarity. It is this way of being that lets me eventually cut through bouts of unexplained anxiety, stress, or tiredness.

Nearly all unexplainable malaise in my life is usually unexplained purely because of one of the following two reasons:

1. One part of me isn't listening to or isn't speaking up to another part of me.

2. I, as a whole, have not given them the space to have a conversation.

Not able to go to sleep easily? Probably because I ignored the singer in me wanting to sing and coded something instead.

Feeling frustrated at everything? I'll just let my wise self talk to the frustrated part of me and get out of their way so they can figure out why.

There's no role model I don't have available already, and if I don't have the experience to summon them up inside me - I have enough wise people inside me who can make the call to reach out for help.

Why are we talking about this?

Naturally, I'm writing this after a solid week to two weeks of the actor going out and acting in the world without giving any ear to the others - this is not unusual, and like I mentioned, I think it's good for the system to get pushed in this way.

Without the actor going off and impressing his will in the world without a second thought, the theeler has no way of experiencing new ways to see the world.

As an aside, I would be worried of these phases happening if I didn't understand the pattern well (which I didn't a few years ago and would cause me an incredible amount of stress and unhappiness at being unable to explain well... the unexplained stress and unhappiness)

The pattern goes something like this:

Day 1 to ~5: I feel incredible - I am competence, I am focus, I can do anything.

Day ~5 to ~8: I still feel fine, I'm doing the things I'm supposed to - it's all good.

Day ~9: Spends all day on Twitter/Reddit/TV, eats junk, so irritable.

Usually around Day 9 is when I call a team meeting, and we sincerely talk about anything and everything. Nothing is off the table except for superfluous things.

We've gotten pretty good at getting rid of superfluous things.

We've gotten better at knowing when we need loving kindness and when we need tough love.

We have gotten better at knowing what are bitch-ass excuses and what are genuine reasons for frustration.

We've also gotten much better at calling out our own bullshit when we're over-intellectualizing simple things.

Every day I extend without calling a team meeting is detrimental to everyone in this mind, body, and soul. And every day it becomes harder for everyone to come to the table without resentment blocking their ability to express themselves.

Everyone at the roundtable

These identities at the table flow seamlessly into one another, and the people at the table may change from one second to another as soon as it becomes clear that a different conversation needs to be had.

As strange as it may sound to someone unaware of this way of being - this is my model for clarity.

As strange as it may sound to someone unaware of this way of being - this is my model for clarity.

As strange as it may sound to someone unaware of this way of being - this is my model for clarity.