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3. Collection & Re-
An engaging, inviting and mysterious subtitle.
After my last letter, i had an idea of where i wanted to take this one. To continue with a raw, unadulterated stream of thoughts, ideas (and tbh lamentations). But very quickly i realized that that wouldn't be possible every time.
The last time was easy, i felt numb and over the course of describing it, i moved into a richer place. I think the most personal aspect of that letter would be me talking about my disposition towards being unfeeling and detached at times. Something i try to counter and understand through stream of consciousness journalism itself. But overall, honestly, i feel that particular affectation is not that abnormal in society. It seems that most people are aware of it, understand it, and feel it to some degree. So the "reveal" wasn't really that high stakes. I even took a perverse pleasure in writing about it as i felt i was acting as some sort of vanguard for open vulnerability.
But over the last week or so, the feeling and mental states that I have been in have been hazier and darker. I would even say violent, not in terms of actual physical violence, but in terms of how erratic and intense they have been.
It's a reminder for me, that to get to a point where something like that can be presented, with clarity: it takes time, patience, and well, clarity itself.
Familiarizing myself with those emotional outbursts. Touching on actually personal subjects that i at times feel ashamed of revealing: intense fear of loneliness, a deep rooted longing for companionship. Things that last week, as i went through trying to put down on the page, came up in sudden torrents of nearly incoherent words. These are subjects where real vulnerability is called for and it doesn't come in spades, at least not at the moment. I'm still hesitant.
And i think it's because of my ability to present it. If i did so now:
They genuinely would not add anything to the whole.
The artistic bravery i would usually use to back myself with such an act, would seem contrived.
I have also, in my head, been thinking about a more engaging reading experience. Been toying with the idea of testing out a soundtrack for each post. Originals would allow me to put more of myself into these letters and would also nudge you all in certain directions. Something even more interesting becomes a soundtrack that follows where you are on the page, so Substack wouldn't work but i could try something on my website. The more i think about it, the more i like this idea
Throughout last week, due to the stresses of work and the effects of quarantine really starting to play on my rawest insecurities. I spent most of my non-working time either disconnecting and winding down from work or in a haze trying to give attention to whatever was bothering me. I say trying to give attention here in the truest sense. For most things i am biased for action, for emotions, i'm biased to wait, at times to a fault. I intend give it time and space to resolve itself if it can, rather than shortcut my way and add it on as debt for future me. But this also means at times i get stuck here, longer than is needed. And that's where it really becomes an attempt to move rather than an attempt to move forward.
Near the end i had the experience of looking into the metaphorical void, and it really gave me the perspective i needed. I know this is vague, and I do believe i have the words to describe it, but i already have the perfect spot for them in another story, so that's where they'll go.
This week has been better, i currently write this sitting in a big open yard in Joshua Tree with some of my close friends. Every time I've experienced a week like the last, It's nearly always been followed by better. And even though every platitude, fairy tail, and film has tried to ram some version of that fact into my skull for decades, it's a completely different feeling actually believing it every time you're in there again. It's powerful, and comforting.
Like existence itself is on your side, even if time, at the moment, is not.