2. Neutral State
I journal a fair bit. I treat it as a conversation with myself to become familiar with this person. This is how I've learnt about who i am slowly, overtime. This is one of those notes.
![Gray vs. Grey: What is the Difference? | Merriam-Webster Gray vs. Grey: What is the Difference? | Merriam-Webster](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fa1058767-bd85-427c-88dd-1490ed6a420b_724x543.jpeg)
It's an interesting thing to try and examine the nature of this state. The state in which I'm not particularly connected to emotion, but also not necessarily devoid of it. In general i don't find this to be a place where I'm the most Alive.
What usually does follow though, is some version of a rich emotional state. And to be completely transparent, this state isn't what I'd call happy. It is exactly as i said before, rich. Every breath is deep, and feels rich. every moment has a noticeable flavor, and each melds into the next one. Sometimes it is overwhelming to the senses.
Overwhelming to the point where i suspect i dissociate for micro moments, or maybe it's all in my head. I would term it as losing presence, but honestly it could just as well be absolute presence.
If i was to describe my mental and emotional state when I'm under stress and pressure, it would be a taut metal wire. And now if the phrase being "high strung" comes from the feeling or the other way around, not sure. But a taut metallic wire is where i am.
But the state that i referred to before, that, that comes like a wave, again and again and again. When it crests...
…so i paused there as i was typing this because midway through this session i realized i wanted to add this to the newsletter, and naturally my language started to become a little more flowery. Yes, i will put this out but it also must not feel contrived.
Perhaps these posts feeling contrived is something i have to work through. Now i also wonder, for a post like this, do i edit it ? what if i write something extremely personal ? should i go all-in ? i don't know.
What i do know is, i, unlike a lot of really great writers and thinkers, am not well versed with philosophy or obscure pop culture. Where i can make analogies that resolve in a way that the reader feels fulfilled. But what i am very good at, is pouring my thoughts raw onto a page. And i feel that this skill is valuable.
Perhaps this is what H himself should be. An exploration.
I think of the hundreds of notes i have written over the last couple of years. And the sheer amount of insight and discovery i've made into myself and i can't help but feel pride and love for the person i've found. This is a moment where i feel both of those and it feels nice. And also, it seems like i've moved into a slightly "richer" emotional state as i've written this. That makes me feel happy and satisfied.
Yes, more of this it seems.
Yours,
H