Discover more from H Himself
2. Neutral State
I journal a fair bit. I treat it as a conversation with myself to become familiar with this person. This is how I've learnt about who i am slowly, overtime. This is one of those notes.
It's an interesting thing to try and examine the nature of this state. The state in which I'm not particularly connected to emotion, but also not necessarily devoid of it. In general i don't find this to be a place where I'm the most Alive.
What usually does follow though, is some version of a rich emotional state. And to be completely transparent, this state isn't what I'd call happy. It is exactly as i said before, rich. Every breath is deep, and feels rich. every moment has a noticeable flavor, and each melds into the next one. Sometimes it is overwhelming to the senses.
Overwhelming to the point where i suspect i dissociate for micro moments, or maybe it's all in my head. I would term it as losing presence, but honestly it could just as well be absolute presence.
If i was to describe my mental and emotional state when I'm under stress and pressure, it would be a taut metal wire. And now if the phrase being "high strung" comes from the feeling or the other way around, not sure. But a taut metallic wire is where i am.
But the state that i referred to before, that, that comes like a wave, again and again and again. When it crests...
…so i paused there as i was typing this because midway through this session i realized i wanted to add this to the newsletter, and naturally my language started to become a little more flowery. Yes, i will put this out but it also must not feel contrived.
Perhaps these posts feeling contrived is something i have to work through. Now i also wonder, for a post like this, do i edit it ? what if i write something extremely personal ? should i go all-in ? i don't know.
What i do know is, i, unlike a lot of really great writers and thinkers, am not well versed with philosophy or obscure pop culture. Where i can make analogies that resolve in a way that the reader feels fulfilled. But what i am very good at, is pouring my thoughts raw onto a page. And i feel that this skill is valuable.
Perhaps this is what H himself should be. An exploration.
I think of the hundreds of notes i have written over the last couple of years. And the sheer amount of insight and discovery i've made into myself and i can't help but feel pride and love for the person i've found. This is a moment where i feel both of those and it feels nice. And also, it seems like i've moved into a slightly "richer" emotional state as i've written this. That makes me feel happy and satisfied.
Yes, more of this it seems.