I woke up frustrated today - not because I have reason to be. But mainly because i’m frustrated.

A couple of days ago, I might’ve been frustrated about something in particular, but that time has passed and now it’s buried underneath my frustration for frustration.

The frustrating part about this is that I’m now frustrated about things not having much movement in my life, but I’m also frustrated because I know that I’d be frustrated if things were moving about in my life.

That said I just got done moving around a bit and while I’m not frustrated that I did, I’m frustrated because if I hadn’t I might not be frustrated right this moment.

Doing nothing is frustrating, having something to do is frustrating.

Working for myself is frustrating, working for someone else is frustrating.

I’m behind on things I committed to, frustrating.

I took on new things to do anyways, frustrating.

I’m reading and listening to books, frustrating.

I’m frustrated, frustrating.

I woke up frustrated today - not because I have reason to be. But mainly because I was frustrated

BUT

I am no longer frustrated, because once you type out the word frustration so many times it essentially loses all meaning. And once you take the edge off - you can generally unpack the frustration underneath.

Let’s conduct an autopsy on my frustration together.

A couple of weeks ago I put out a post On Fitness.

In it I mentioned that I was locked in when it came to fitness, I was firing on all cylinders and it felt incredible. I was just about to leave for a couple of weeks for San Diego and Seattle. I knew that this bout of traveling would throw a wrench into that momentum - I mentally prepped myself and it was a success! I was not frustrated because I’d expected to lose some momentum, but what I forgot to plan for was the frustration at not immediately being able to lock into the same state as before.

Cool.

What else is in there?

I intended to write a new post On Masculinity because it was a sufficiently thorny subject and I think I’ve arrived at a version of it for myself that is sufficiently original and suitable for me. I also thought that since this is a post where I’m making up for missing an issue It should be a higher-effort post. So I was excited, it felt right but I couldn’t do it, because I still need to refine why I’m writing it. And every day that I wrote and re-wrote, and it didn’t feel like a cohesive piece, and every day that I didn’t put something out I felt frustrated because I was not following through on a commitment to post every week.

Being reliable is important to me. Being dependable is important to me as a person.

I will still write this post but I’ve decided to take the meta road and put out this post on frustration instead to (again) take the edge off. Because like I said, once you take the edge off, it’s easier to think.

Sidebar, most people who thrive in high-pressure situations are just good at taking the edge off in the micro-moment.

I’ve also committed to helping my friend’s project and am in the final stretch for that, and I also want to start another project for myself which means I need to finish the prior - but until I put out this post I can’t finish that, and this whole queue of todos was leading me to frustration. But thankfully, since the edge has been taken off I’m not longer frustrated. Phew.

Anyways, my apologies for the lazy post, I tried turning my frustration into my version of prose/poetry as a one shot - I’ll be back on my game soon.

Yours,

H

Deep in an obsession is where i find deep satisfaction and right now i feel it sighing within me.

There are easy markers, including but not limited to - feeling like i have boundless energy to give to my obsession, a feeling of irritation around things that pull me away from it, but most of all, is the excitement of having a goal and the steadfast, unbridled optimism that i’ll get there. Over the last week my workouts have expanded to two in a day with one being a focused weightlifting workout and the other a zone 2 training workout. On top my protein intake is close to a gram per pound of bodyweight.

Both of these are generally in service of reducing my body fat percentage from 25 to 15ish. But getting into the nitty-gritty of it is not the point of this, i just want to talk about why i like fitness so much.

The major thing that fitness gives me is:

It is a deterministic process, as long as i follow certain guidelines and rules and as long as i put in the work, i will always get where i want to provided my goals are realistic.

There may be roadblocks along the way but they are just puzzles to figure out.

It is one of the most reliable, dependable and predictable ways for me to feel like i have bearing over my life and the easiest reminder that hard work pays off - it’s important to have some steady progression in your life. It is life affirming, it is agency affirming.

A previous version of me would’ve bristled at finding so much joy in an act that was predictable, mundane and boring - or at least in framing it in this way - i thrive in unpredictability, cowboying things in the moment is quite frankly, what i find inherently cool. So i think it’s a mark of maturity for me to feel so deeply comfortable in my slow and steady progress of workouts and nutrition.

Another thing that fitness has taught me is patience - the timelines are always longer than i hope and shorter than i feel. Few things teach more viscerally than the frustration of not being able to work on your goals because your body is incapable. Months spent rehabbing shoulder injuries, Years with back issues and i can safely say that even though some of these tings will never be back to 100% - i am stronger, stabler and surer of step that i was when i was 21. In fact, physically i have never felt as sure of my body as i have as i’m 30.

Each physical discipline i’ve put time into has given me something or the other to take into all the other facets of my life - weightlifting has shown me that i am capable of building strength, yoga of patience and flexibility, martial arts and movement training of stability. I know my physical decline will begin sooner rather than later in the decades to come, but i doubt i’ll stop finding immense joy in pushing myself to do things that the average person does not. To feel my best, to look my best and to move my best.

In the 10 years that i’ve seriously worked out, i have been driven by many things - i have been the person obsessed with vanity (visible abs and whatnot), the person obsessed with strength (squatting twice my bodyweight), the person scared of failure (being on an overload streak for months), the person who just wants to feel good (hello cardio), the person of habit and no enthusiasm - and having been so many people i can safely say that none of those goals are purer than the other, at least for me. I think people trap themselves into goals that they think are virtuous when all they should be doing is doing.

I understand that for many people fitness is the opposite of a reliable, workable process - i feel comfortable in saying that apart from the fringes of the bell curve, most people just haven’t figured out the solution for the puzzle that works for them.

Patience and attention.

Patience and attention.

Patience and attention.

Yours,

H

Even deep in the throes of my “freedom” from employment - It’s funny that a satisfying day for me ends up having a lot of the same things that i used to have before.

Spending 2-3 hours doing something productive/creative (ideally hard), spending a couple of hours on fitness, eating some good food and spending time with people i like.

These factors have been constant for me, i think this is also why traveling hasn’t been a massive part of my plan as i navigate unemployment. I’ve rarely been struck by wanderlust - and most travel plans i agree to with the enthusiasm of taking bitter medicine. I know on the whole it’s probably good for me but i really wouldn’t do it unless i had to. Occasionally i’ll want to go somewhere but rarely for more than a handful of days.

I generally start craving my routine around day 4 or 5 and unless i know i’m on the road for a few weeks longer, i can’t wait to get home for the rest of it.

Because like i mentioned, my ideal and most satisfying day works best at home and i am most satisfied with life when i do those things (nearly) every day. I do enjoy my travels to a certain degree, but the best days spend traveling are at best close to my good days at home and i think that is what makes the difference.

I did finish a little stretch of traveling recently to LA and then Mexico City (and will be in San Diego and then Seattle later this month). I was particularly impressed by Mexico City - i’d heard great things but seeing how modern, clean and impressive it is in person was a trip. I have also completed my conversion from a burrito guy to a taco guy - never again will i eat a burrito unless convenience is the call.

Anyways, a short one this week, i’ve been helping a friend by building a *********** for his project - i think it’s been good for me because i’ve been able to experience doing something new and hard and productive again. It’s also reaffirmed the idea that i’m not currently in the headspace to work on something long and hard for an extended period of time right now - maybe in a few weeks. Till then, i’ll continue to build small projects here and there.

Yours,

H

I feel like I'm generally good at listening to myself, me - the actor - listening to me - the thinker or feeler.

In fact, I think I'm better at this than most people in the world.

But I also have periods where I don't, which isn't necessarily bad - I think some time spent away from myself is healthy. Me - the thinker/feeler (I'll just use "theeler" for now, even if it sounds ridiculous) - wouldn't really have much of the world to think about without Me - the actor.

Think, is your actor separate from your theeler?

Are the outlines of the two clear enough where they can be themselves?

Can they have a conversation without you coming in the middle?

As strange as it may sound to someone unaware of this way of being - this is my model for clarity. It is this way of being that lets me eventually cut through bouts of unexplained anxiety, stress, or tiredness.

Nearly all unexplainable malaise in my life is usually unexplained purely because of one of the following two reasons:

1. One part of me isn't listening to or isn't speaking up to another part of me.

2. I, as a whole, have not given them the space to have a conversation.

Not able to go to sleep easily? Probably because I ignored the singer in me wanting to sing and coded something instead.

Feeling frustrated at everything? I'll just let my wise self talk to the frustrated part of me and get out of their way so they can figure out why.

There's no role model I don't have available already, and if I don't have the experience to summon them up inside me - I have enough wise people inside me who can make the call to reach out for help.

Why are we talking about this?

Naturally, I'm writing this after a solid week to two weeks of the actor going out and acting in the world without giving any ear to the others - this is not unusual, and like I mentioned, I think it's good for the system to get pushed in this way.

Without the actor going off and impressing his will in the world without a second thought, the theeler has no way of experiencing new ways to see the world.

As an aside, I would be worried of these phases happening if I didn't understand the pattern well (which I didn't a few years ago and would cause me an incredible amount of stress and unhappiness at being unable to explain well... the unexplained stress and unhappiness)

The pattern goes something like this:

Day 1 to ~5: I feel incredible - I am competence, I am focus, I can do anything.

Day ~5 to ~8: I still feel fine, I'm doing the things I'm supposed to - it's all good.

Day ~9: Spends all day on Twitter/Reddit/TV, eats junk, so irritable.

Usually around Day 9 is when I call a team meeting, and we sincerely talk about anything and everything. Nothing is off the table except for superfluous things.

We've gotten pretty good at getting rid of superfluous things.

We've gotten better at knowing when we need loving kindness and when we need tough love.

We have gotten better at knowing what are bitch-ass excuses and what are genuine reasons for frustration.

We've also gotten much better at calling out our own bullshit when we're over-intellectualizing simple things.

Every day I extend without calling a team meeting is detrimental to everyone in this mind, body, and soul. And every day it becomes harder for everyone to come to the table without resentment blocking their ability to express themselves.

These identities at the table flow seamlessly into one another, and the people at the table may change from one second to another as soon as it becomes clear that a different conversation needs to be had.

As strange as it may sound to someone unaware of this way of being - this is my model for clarity.

As strange as it may sound to someone unaware of this way of being - this is my model for clarity.

As strange as it may sound to someone unaware of this way of being - this is my model for clarity.

Quick update around the serialized posts I was dubbing subbatical (😬) around my sabbatical journey - they will still be happening in addition to the regular variety of posts. For now please enjoy my thoughts around being an exceptional team player.

This rant precipitated after I got off of a call with my brother where we were talking about some of the frustrations he was going through at work.

A lot of people—especially smart and competent people—routinely end up in situations where they feel that they are able to perform much better solo rather than in a team situation. More interestingly, this also seems to happen in a team of other smart and competent individuals.

In my experience, the traits that separate the average player from good (I use “player” as a placeholder—it could mean coworker, teammate, etc.) are different from the things that separate good from exceptional, especially in a team setting.

Defining our rating scale

AKA what does exceptional mean

Given a team of people with a collective goal in mind - say shipping a product, figuring out an issue or hitting a number, the team has a certain probability of success at the goal. If we add a new player onto this team, we could say that:

• A below average player will significantly reduce the probability of success

• An average player will lead to no significant change in probability of success and

With this in mind - an Exceptional player is someone who will significantly raise the probability of success for any team.

If you’re thinking down the lines of - wellll it depends on the size, type of people, goal etc etc. - don’t, it’s irrelevant to the rest of the post. As a rule of thumb, there are nuances to everything but that shouldn’t stop us from discussing broad strokes, especially in the individual frame of reference of yourself on a team of competent people.

The Makeup of a Team Player

There are four (or three depending on how you cut it up) ingredients that decide where you lie on the rating scale we discussed above. The first two are fairly intuitive and are collectively referred to as base competence. We will quickly mention them before moving into the meat of it in the latter two.

Base Competence

These traits directly affect the chances of success for an individual and only indirectly affect the team and as such, they tend to be individual specific and limited to the scope of themselves.

Talent and Work Ethic comprise Base Competence.

1. Talent

Call it aptitude, intelligence, creativity or whatever inherent trait relevant to the area of work - this is the most inert input into your output as a worker and sets your baseline for how you would perform on a task. This is generally considered sticky and hard to modify after a certain point of experience - though one can definitely improve “inherent” talent via…

2. Work Ethic

If your brain is thinking “~work smart not hard~” - you really do have to work smart AND hard. Since we are talking about being exceptional, there are no outs here - if you are skimping on either you are not exceptional. You may be good, but you are not exceptional.

Pretty self explanatory, are you putting in the work :D ?

The virtuous cycle of work

Talent can make up for work ethic and vice versa, though what’s great about the latter is that practicing it generally (and often immutably) improves the former and the latter. You get better at doing the thing and at doing things well in general.

Information Dynamics

These traits directly affect the chances of success for the team.

Subsets of this are dealing with feedback, giving feedback, team communication, etc - but the general principle is how you - as an individual - process incoming information and relay information outwards towards the team.

3. Processing information

Basically, all incoming information, communication, and feedback. Could allude to anything from metrics to indirect interactions with frustrated teammates to direct feedback received. If you’ve worked in a group of people i’m sure you’ve noticed various degrees of being able to take feedback from the world and improve themselves.

• The below average player is incapable of processing information and improving their work.

• The average player receives information and applies it to their work to varying effect. They are unable to discern between relevant and irrelevant information.

• The good player parses out only the relevant information and applies it to their work.

• The exceptional player does the former but is also able to extract relevant information out of the leftover information through existing knowledge, smart guesswork and/or other heuristics.

Both the average and the exceptional player try to use all information available but there’s a difference in their ability of discernment and mentality - an exceptional player with seek to use all information either now or in the future. They have a voracious curiosity for information AND ability to make use of it. They insist on making every piece of information work for them - even if they seemingly aren’t connected.

The best part of having this mentality is that you naturally start to separate out complicated interpersonal dynamics and/or emotions from base facts, which both improve your mood, outlook and if you are good at the next trait, improve team dynamic as well.

4. Communicating Outwards

In the previous subsection, exceptionalism centers around being able to heuristically raise the quality of information that you’re receiving to make it more useful than it would be to the average person.

In this section, we discuss helping raise the quality of information throughout the team so that everyone is getting more relevant information throughout their day. A few ways in which this can manifest is introducing or improving existing processes, nullifying status games, improving team morale or even stating preferences on how to receive information.

Intuitively, there are many more reasons why this is hard than this is easy.

• Not everyone can figure out why the quality of information being passed around is low.

• It is not easy to ask people to change their ways in a way that’ll be received well.

• It is scary to raise your hand up and take accountability for suggesting a change to something as personal as how and what people are communicating.

One universal way I’ve seen exceptional players positively affect outcomes is by framing all the conversation happening within a team as:

“Hey! We all want the same thing - let’s figure out how to improve so we can achieve our goal”

as opposed to

“Hey, do this thing because it’s better and i’m smart” or “I want to do this thing because I want the credit for this thing”

In teams, depending on culture, the biggest issues boil down to power and social dynamics on top of background politics. Someone is desperate for a promotion or a raise, someone keeps taking credit for other work to pad their standing, someone keeps relevant information from a colleague so they fail and look better in comparison, etc.

The best teams minimize these traits by making sure that they hire exceptional people - who in turn don’t care about power dynamics. For exceptional players achieving the goal is top of mind and they make outsized efforts to ensure that stays the focus of the team.

Exceptional teammates tend to get recognized in most systems no matter how dysfunctional because as we discussed, they are able to improve the odds of success for everyone. Being able to affect change on this scale generally also presents these individuals with moving up into leadership to focus on the highest leverage traits for the team. Anyways, that was my more refined rant than what I subjected my brother to.

Yours

H

Thoughts on this week

I haven’t had much time or space to think much over the last week - i’ve been moving around and drove down to and back up from LA spending time w/ old (and older) friends. I have been thinking about ambition though.

Scribbles

On Ambition

A few years ago if someone accused me of being unambitious i think i would’ve found it so far from reality that i would’ve laughed them off, but it’s odd now because if someone (mainly myself) were to do that now i think various parts of me would feel regret, shame, denial and acceptance.

In my later 20s i’ve definitely had a temperance of ambition though i think the only way i accepted that happening was that i found virtue in living a life of simple ambitions. Lately though i feel like that isn’t congruent with who i am, not that what i want from life isn’t the right thing, but that terming it as a loss of ambition is not the right frame.

Becoming the richest man in the world is unanimously considered an ambitious goal, just as any proclamation to change the world is - but i think figuring out a life devoid of the rat race of money/status and power is also ambitious - though i will concede that i do think it is decidedly less ambitious than the formers. How many people are truly able to achieve that, especially without sacrificing a certain standard of material living. It’s definitely just a few more handfuls more than the handfuls changing the world - i think that’s pretty ambitious.

I think i’m ambitious that i can create a life where (usually) my day is (mostly) full of things i love. An ambition of process rather than outcome.

On PG’s How to do what you love

Acceptance Criteria for Work You Love

1. As an upper bound, doing what you love doesn't mean that it has to be what you want to do this second. This is relieving because general societal storytelling would have you believe that if there isn't something that's rabidly taking away every single moment of your time, then it is what you love.

2. As a lower bound, you have to like your work more than any unproductive pleasure. You have to like what you do enough that the concept of "spare time" seems mistaken. Which is not to say you have to spend all your time working. You can only work so much before you get tired and start to screw up. Then you want to do something else — even something mindless. But you don't regard this time as the prize and the time you spend working as the pain you endure to earn it.

Heuristics to Find Work You Love

1. Try to do things that would make your friends say "wow."

2. What you should not do, I think, is worry about the opinion of anyone beyond your friends. You shouldn't worry about prestige.

3. If you admire two kinds of work equally, but one is more prestigious, you should probably choose the other. Your opinions about what's admirable are always going to be slightly influenced by prestige, so if the two seem equal to you, you probably have more genuine admiration for the less prestigious one.

Tests

1. Whether you'd do it even if you weren't paid for it.

2. One is to try to do a good job at whatever you're doing, even if you don't like it. Then at least you'll know you're not using dissatisfaction as an excuse for being lazy.

3. Always produce. You'll know you're not merely using the hazy vision of the grand novel you plan to write one day as an opiate.

Reminders

1. It's hard to find work you love; it must be if so few do. So don't underestimate this task. And don't feel bad if you haven't succeeded yet.

2. Although doing great work takes less discipline than people think — because the way to do great work is to find something you like so much that you don't have to force yourself to do it — finding work you love does usually require discipline.

3. Whichever route you take, expect a struggle. Finding work you love is very difficult. Most people fail.

On expertise

I know reading isn’t necessarily a practice one could morph into a profession, and even thought a small part of me thinks if it was I could practice that professions - the reality of the situation is that I read at an above average clip and level. It’s an enjoyable act (most times) but I wouldn’t think of it as my thing. What are my things ? I’ve been thinking over this for the past few days (as readers of this have probably grok’d by now). I think Singing is something I’m probably a 98th/99th percentile at, mainly due to the fact that not many people actually sing (as in are technically adept at it, everyone sings (as they should, it’s great)) in today’s world  - and I’ve had this ruminating hypothesis around live human performance becoming more and more valuable as AI takes over more of the creation aspects of it. Could AI help you sing better ? Probably, but again, there seems to be, in my opinion, an inherent value to live human performance. Similar to athletics, because singing (well) I think is much closer to sport than it is art. The amount of work and labor you put into it every day is exhausting and draining. I’d be an idiot to not try and work on this hypothesis more.

Sure technology can augment humans in these areas but just as the olympic committees bar certain PEDs, swimsuits etc - it seems to me that there would be a similar craving for pure (or at most marginally enhanced) performing arts, especially live.

Final Thoughts

I’m now headed to mexico till next week, see you all next week! If you have any thoughts on what i thought please feel free to comment below/message/text them to me.

H

Or at least this post will start out bad, that’s where i’m at as i begin to write this. I haven’t been too on top of things this week - my routines have been crappy, my head has lacked focus and i have not felt present. As such i’m not too hopeful this will be an entertaining read.

I think what is unexpected (though if i’m being honest it was very expected) is that you would think having a lot more free time would’ve given me the space and freedom to be able to do all the things i planned to do. But the truth is i’ve sort of settled into a daily routine of just existing. I understand if i’m being hard on myself - after all

it’s just been a month!

But already i feel like i have days where i feel very discontent with how i’m using my time. I’ve heard of this happening to every account i’ve read of people taking sabbaticals in search of a life or career pivot so this is to be expected, but still.

I’ve also been inhaling Paul Graham essays over the last week or two which probably isn’t great in terms of feeling contentment. PGs essays are the truth, i get along better with people who feel that way as well.

Scribbles

I think something interesting you may notice is how i talk to myself through my journals, i try to be very honest and open w/ my emotions towards myself. At times parts of me will confront each other and then hash it out - other times they will back each other up, lift us up when we’re down. If the conversation feels disjointed at times it’s because part of the conversation happened in my head.

On wasting time

Where are we today? I feel like we genuinely tried to, did we? Dude, we were falling asleep to YouTube again. I doubt that counts as proper rest. Listen, I think we just have to bite the bullet.

Let's stop wasting time. You're angry, and I'm annoyed. We know we're inspired by many things, but I'm just frustrated that I can't have infinite time and energy to manage everything. Okay, you're not angry; you're having a tantrum. Yes, I'm sorry. Look, we're not even that badly rested in my opinion. That's true.

Okay, we know that performance is something we need to focus on. It's in us, and I think we'd thrive. If busking is too high-stakes, especially in terms of setup, let's do something like an open mic or So Far Sounds. Okay, good. Now, the other thing we need to do is create a new product. I like the idea of uploading a photo and getting a stream. It seems like a fun little project to make.

Okay, tap into source - What do we feel? ◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️REDACTED◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️◼️ Okay, that was an honest insight, and I'm glad we were able to type that out. Me too. I don't think fretting about our sleep is going to be good. We should just focus on fulfillment during the day. And I do think the NBA playoffs are starting to be used as a crutch by resistance.

I think we should focus on setting up milestones for ourselves. That seems to be a uniquely good forcing function to move forward. It's ironic to be using outcomes as our proxy for process-driven things, but these are processes I know I love. I just need some help overcoming resistance. Resistance will use anything to overcome us. We can't relent.

On output

Okay, we’re a little aimless with what we should do - I think using Zaid’s questionnaire could be really useful here. I think building small tools is definitely something worth building and it’s fine if they don’t hit all the marks we’re looking for. I think right now just having output is important. We must create, but also try to make it useful.

Do during the day that helps you sleep at night. Hey, we did. a bunch of stuff today, we’re okay.

On losing ambition

I think there’s something within me that I need to figure out in terms of my own capabilities. As I listen to PG, I realize that we doubt ourselves because everything that has made our life and emotional state better seems to be the opposite of what I need to be the person I think I'm supposed to be. It's not even a question of a part of me, you know. I think I'm supposed to be more than I am.

I have lost discipline, I'm sure I'm willful, and I've lost ambition too. But I know I can build those back. If that is the truth, then I have to build them back and accept whatever parts of my life that don't work with that won’t make it. It sounds grim, but that's what I think.

On nice days, hosting people and doing things i enjoy but others don’t

I feel an internal wave of "we can use our time better or differently." No, that’s not what it is - it’s just a reflex of "this isn’t what I want to do right now." Okay, is that worth following? I think so - this one doesn’t seem destructive because we’re unabashedly doing something that wastes our time. We could easily go around and gather the stuff we need instead of sitting here. It’s also so nice outside; we could go and get that stuff.

We’re a bit worried about space and what to do when people are here. I think that is a little bit accurate for sure. I think we can start cooking way earlier than we think. Anyways, I think it’s the wasting time thing that’s hurting us. Listen, I understand that these internal welling ups of emotion against what we’re doing can be destructive as well, and that we can’t blindly follow them, but right now they are useful for us. And yes, we do need to spend time thinking about what we're 1) good at and 2) something we enjoy doing that other people don’t. That’s genuinely something to think about. And I wonder if being in a place like SF and being on Twitter negates a lot of that stuff. I think that’s important to think about. Actually, journaling is something that a lot of people don’t enjoy doing. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - okay….journaling. It genuinely isn’t something that we’re too off about doing, but other people can find it fairly unproductive.

Things i did

Hosted a dinner

Dogsat

Went to a birthday thing and hung out w/ some college friends as well. Overall a very social week for me! I’ll be out of town for the next couple of weeks traveling to LA and then Mexico. It’ll be interesting to see how my self-talk changes as i have this big change of scenery, something tells me it’ll be good.

Started building a chrome extension

It basically helps me write the next section easier - more on this later

What i read

Money Stuff: First Republic Calls In a Favor

Credit Suisse Had a Great Awful Quarter

The most useful razors and rules I've found.

Monomythical

Explaining tech's notion of talent scarcity

I was recently asked to explain what it means when people say that, for example, “There are only [10-200] people in the world who can do what [highly-paid AI researcher] does.” Why can’t more people be trained to do these jobs? The notion that only some engineers or researchers in the world can do certain types of work – i.e., nobody can learn how to be …

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3 years ago · 31 likes · Nadia

Noahpinion

Repost: Someone has to run the fabs

In 2014, the city of San Francisco decided to try to improve equity in math education by barring kids from taking algebra in 8th grade. The results were highly disappointing — Black and Latino kids’ math skills did not improve, and the achievement g…

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3 years ago · 162 likes · 127 comments · Noah Smith

Balancing Act

The bug fix that almost cost LinkedIn millions

Context In my previous post, we discussed how small changes can have a big impact. This is a similar story of how the LinkedIn Ads team faced a sudden decline in revenue on one of their most profitable ad slots. This post will take you through the investigative process, the discovery of the underlying issue, and the challenging decision the team ultimat…

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3 years ago · 3 comments · Nikunj Kothari

So Essentially Substack

Your favorite TV characters now as AI ghosts!

Paper: Hi Sheldon! Creating Deep Personalized Characters from TV Shows Researchers at Tsinghua University (among other contributors) want to make AI ghosts of their favorite TV show characters. Mainly, They wanted to use AI to create multi modal Deep Personalized Character Creation (DPCC) copy of the appearance and personality…

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3 years ago · 1 like · Dhruv Diddi

Pirate Wires

New Media is Dead, Long Live New Media

Welcome back to the Pirate Wires weekly digest. Every week, the Tuesday Report delivers a brief, lead story followed by a storm of fire links to catch you up on everything you need to know. This week, before we get into it: the whole Pirate Wires team is in Miami. If you’re a paying subscriber, and you haven’t yet RSVPd for this afternoon’s happy hour, …

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3 years ago · 86 likes · 23 comments · Mike Solana

bookbear express

keeping things organized (even though you have ADHD)

Markus Lüpertz, Student, 2020 I don’t reference ADHD very much anymore but under most criteria I definitely qualify. S: If we did a MRI scan of your brain we would find dozens of small rabbits running around. I also, maybe not coincidentally, happen to be an extreme late bloomer in several areas of basic living—I learned to cook in 2020 (like, I didn’t know how to turn on the stove before then), I learned to drive in 2021 (because I was living in Utah). My mom is an extreme neat freak (to this day when I close my eyes and imagine her, I see her talking passionately while wiping down a countertop), which led to a general aversion of domestic tasks. As a result I happily slept on an air mattress for years. I’ve always thought I have big male bachelor energy. Unfortunately, I also happen to be an extremely picky person who wants everything to look perfect all the time, so I have slowly but surely discovered ways to adapt…

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3 years ago · 43 likes · 4 comments · Ava

Final thoughts

I am consuming a lot and producing too little - and that is always a recipe for discontentment. The amount of time “wasting time” pops up in this post is also quite the glaring signal. There’s also the acceptance of figuring out your path isn’t easy - out of billions of people on earth, only a couple hundred thousand actually do what they love - by definition that isn’t easy so i think going through this initial phase of discombobulation makes sense. Change is uncomfortable.

Yours

H

Preface

So, I'm taking a break from the whole professional scene. My last day at Loom was March 17th, 2023, after five and a half years of startup craziness, eight years of being a technology brother, and about fifteen years of being in one rat race or another.

I plan to stay unemployed for at least the time it takes to find something that feels right, or at most a year. I've got my budget budgeted, logistics logistic’d and i’m free to rabbithole all the rabbitholes i can muster.

Over the past month, I've taken a few tangents. Through it all, I've realized that it's really helpful to create some routines and rituals for myself. That's where this weekly series comes in, and I'm committing to writing one every single week. I think it's important for me to do this, and i’d like to look back here someday.

Instead of creating brand new posts from scratch i’ll be leveraging scribbles in my journals + someoranotherAIGPT™️ + my own smooth brain 🧠. I’m trying to not be too polished.

Scribbles

On picking rabbitholes

On the whole, I feel like I'm caught between a few decisions: make something wholesomely wonderful vs make something chaotically wonderful, spend time on music vs spend time on AI and technology, spend time on enjoyment or spend time creating revenue. Even as I type this out, it's pretty clear that some of these are false dichotomies.

But with that knowledge - with which one would presume a path is picked or at least the choice narrowed - I am now at the hill of commitment. It takes energy to go up, and if there are any scars of age and experience on me, it is the personal conservation of energy. Even though I know deep down that what is said of money is also true of energy, you must spend energy to make energy, there's still an attached hesitation to it. Though overall with these thoughts, I think approaching my day does become much simpler. Hopefully, we can spend some time on this fact and internalize it strongly enough that we don't spend energy churning emotionally. Things are definitely simpler than I think:

Time + Energy + Thought = Whatever I think I want.

I do think that I am starting to fall into some sort of a steady state where I can do something or the other on that front at any time. Maybe picking one thing until it picks me doesn't need to happen. Exploration is also a voluntary act, and I think it does line up with trying to pick a process that I love rather than an outcome. I think a lot of my friends thrive on being outcome-oriented, and even though I have that part in me, it has dictated the last decade or so of my life. Overall, even though I'm very lucky with outcomes, I think this switch to process is an infinite game that feels much more substantive.

On my malaise towards action

I think this malaise is equal parts body, mind, and heart. Should we write music even though it may get subsumed by AI, even if that's what I am pulled to do today? A part of me understands that we can't rely on roadblocks as a signal on what to do vs not. Because if we are drawn to something, the roadblocks are precisely what makes it engaging.

Another part of me yearns to stay away from AI, not because we don't find it interesting, but because the pace of it feels exhausting. But then again, I do feel like exhaustion is what brings satisfaction to my day. Not the exhaustion of energy (though that may be a part of it) - but also the exhaustion of inspiration for the day.

I've read "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield, and I think it did capture my imagination - war metaphors aren't cool these days, but they work for me - and I find a lot of beauty in them. Maybe just how my brain is wired, but I'm happier now to mold my life according to my wiring than forcing reconnections (unless the reconnections are worth it, which sometimes they are).

I feel invigorated just writing this stuff out. I think large swathes of my morning pages in the past few months have been placeholders for the practice itself rather than a vessel for myself. I think that is laudable because that is exactly what I think is needed in other parts of my life. You don't maintain pipelines for practices that you haven't deeply internalized as important to your life and spirit; it just doesn't happen - and just like this morning pages practice has internalized itself and to a certain degree my singing, I think it is time to find what fits in that space that can also bring me a living income.

I was talking to a close friend who's on the latter end of his year-long sabbatical, who was in a similar situation, and we both agreed that a large chunk of cash is not what gives you the freedom to disengage from the rattier parts of the race - but it does give you the freedom to figure out what kinds of cash flows can.

Things i did

Refurbished my dining table

Literally the first thing i did after i left Loom was to dive headfirst into refurbishing my dining table - though i didn’t really understand why i wanted to do this at think i have some thought on why i was so drawn to it. Before i pontificate, here are the before and afters:

Before

After

Reasons why i think i did this:

It was a complete palette cleanser from my previous day

• All atoms no bits

• Learnt a lot about woodworking and finishing from scratch

• Theoretically i could save $$$ not having to buy a new dining table (though w/ all the supplies and gas costs it came out to be the price of a nice second hand one, but you can’t put a price on experience amirite?)

Things i learnt:

• I was very outcome oriented to begin with - gave myself an intensely optimistic timeline for someone who’s never worked w/ wood or knows anything about it and treated the work like a chore.

• Sometime during the end of the first week i ran into my first major setback w/ applying a polyurethane finish, i was very depressed this day as i made my way back home (i’ve been working in Paulius’s garage in mill valley since i live in a 1bd apt)

• The above to factors led me to realize that i had to revise my timelines and learn to pay attention to the process and find joy in it

• I was able to do that and even though i had to redo the whole thing from scratch after my setback i managed to both 1) Feel at peace doing it + 2) Do what took me 4 days initially in one day.

• I will be taking a break from woodworking until i can figure out a better logistical situation than commuting 40 mins each way to my friend’s garage.

• I can (and have) bought expensive furniture that has messed up finishes because a) i can just fix it and b) i can lowball my offers.

Started a songwriting circle at the SF Commons

I wanted to do this because i find music to be very nourishing for my soul + being the facilitator would be a forcing function for me to think through my own process and also come up with new music

I was a little nervous about the first session since i didn’t know how the dynamics would progress but since then we’ve had a handful and it has morphed into an organic hour or two where people discuss what they’re doing and help each other out - i really enjoy these couple of hours.

An impromptu lesson around Ableton.

I’ve also made progress on an original new track for Desert Elf that is much more in the RnB realm, where i’ve spent most of my time musically over the past year or two. Very rough demo below

Cooked (a lot)

Palak Paneer w/ Feta

Did i nail it: Yes.

Chicken Rogan Josh (Supposed to be Lamb but the butcher was out)

Did i nail it: i fucking nailed it, this shit was incredible.

Matar Paneer

Did i nail it: Yes. (i like cilantro)

Matar Mushroom Masala

Did i nail it: It was good, a little too close to the Matar Paneer i mentioned in flavor but that was good so this was good.

Protein Banana Bread

Did i nail it: Nailing it would be a stretch but it was 100% pleasant to eat and didn’t feel like a compromise on banana bread

Honorable Mentions

• High Protein Cookie Dough - the less i say about this the better, i ate it all over a week as penance for being the creator.

• High Protein Brownies - this was as meh as a brownie could be, but still leagues ahead of the cookie dough (shudders)

• Shredded chicken w/ sour cream - just thinking about this makes me want to puke.

Became my brothers gym buddy

This is the first time my brother has started to take the Gym seriously and it shows. And i couldn’t be happier - we send each other our workout and talk a bunch about how we’re doing thigns etc. Can’t wait to see him a year down the line.

The NBA Playoffs

I’ve been watching a lot of basketball, i’m on r/nba all the time, i love basketball now. The warriors are absolutely all over the place in terms of performance this season but still WAAARRIOOOORS!

What i read:

Human speech may have a universal transmission rate: 39 bits per second

OpenAI’s CEO Says the Age of Giant AI Models Is Already Over | WIRED

Indiehacker guide to successful side projects

Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity

The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles

commitment

Reporter Can't Give Example Of "Hateful Speech" After Blaming Elon For It

Final thoughts

Things are progressing along, i think i’ve started to fall into a rhythm and am figuring things out, i have a list of side projects i’d like to build (some dumb and awesome and some reasonable and monetizable) that i seemingly don’t have enough time for + a set of more artistic goals - above all it’s important that whatever i start next has to align with me falling in love with the process and not purely the outcome, that is imperative.

Yours,

H

FOUND YOU

“You know what you’re going to do, you’re an artist”

And hours later i’m still thinking of that, it’s weird to try to accept an identity you’ve built over years but never embraced. There’s something loaded about that term that’ll take a whole lot of introspection to figure out. As i do that, i’ve just realized that my first EP under the guise of Desert Elf has gone live on streaming services a little earlier than expected, some coincidence eh? I’ll do a breakdown of the process and music soon.

I’m going to just process this for a bit - because this is very surreal for me, and i wanted to share this with all of you as i do that.

This is me, being an artist.
For all the innumerable reasons thank you, everyone.

Harshyt Goel

The reason for this is not that people don't have the will to stick with Journaling, they do, it's that they don't know what they’re Journaling for.

If a list of instructions is what you’re looking for then feel free to skip the following section. But perhaps you’re interested in how i stumbled across these ideas in the first place, in that case read on.

Background

The first time I smoked weed was also the first time I was completely aware of my senses. I'd like to say that my relationship with journalling (and via journalling, with myself), was made through a period of intense self-reflection. While technically true, the real answer lies in my complicated relationship with marijuana.

My first joint in college: I remember silently walking to my room, putting on my headphones and listening to my favorite music with a new sense of clarity. It was wonderful.

But over the years as my mental headspace soured, i started smoking every day by myself. And each time I got high, I was accosted by wave after wave of anxiety, paranoia and shame regarding various aspects of myself. There's a lot to unpack here but to keep this post on topic, the end result was that i pretty much stopped smoking weed.

Anyone who's felt the paranoia of going down the weed anxiety spiral will tell you, that even though the experience itself is very uncomfortable, it's actually quite hard to keep a track of where our train of thought takes us.

A couple of years ago (in an inquisitive mood) i happened to smoke a bit again with a friend, and felt the downward spiral looming.

“Why don't i type out exactly what i'm thinking as it happens ?”, I thought. After all, i was consigned to having a “bad trip” so might as well document what would happen as well.

So i opened the notes app on my laptop and took another puff.

What happened next was eye opening, as i typed out my stream of consciousness i noticed that i was able to stay with it as opposed to getting lost. And moreover, the thoughts giving me anxiety really didn't have much basis in reality, or at least not as much as i was giving them credit for.

Since then, I’ve adapted this to anytime i feel like i need to make sense of my world and reconnect with where my body/emotions are. Maybe i feel a constant underlying anxiety or sadness, perhaps i’ve just been stuck in a very mechanical place due to work and disconnected to everything else. I have filled in several notebooks and my note taking apps are full of hundreds of streams of raw thought. Some poetic, some unhinged, but all completely raw. And it has helped me understand my own mind, my emotions and to grow mightily as a person.

So let's get into it...

How to REALLY journal regularly for self reflection.

(I recommend keeping your journal conversational, rather than bulleted, at least in the beginning. You’ll eventually figure out your own voice as you write.)

1. Remove your filter

   This is a conversation between you and only you. The important part here is to make sure that absolutely nothing is off the table, when it comes to your thoughts. If you think it, write it down. I'm adamant that auto-filtering is the most common hurdle that anyone who attempts to journal trips over. Some possibilities are too hard for us to admit, and thus, are hard for us to write down. Because once explicitly written, they become real. We must learn to notice these filters and break them down.
   Honesty starts with us, and there’s no point to this practice without it. Be vigilant and self-aware for moments like these.

2. Curiosity is key.

   There are places where your mind wants to go; this reveals a lot, and there are places where your mind avoids going at all costs; this reveals a lot too.
   Try to follow trains of though that seem interesting. Curiosity about who you really are under the surface, will help you deal with self imposed filters. If your mind is completely blank, start with anything, the weather even and go from there. If you’re frustrated with what you’re thinking (or not thinking), write that down. Explore your frustration.

3. Notice patterns.
   If unfiltered thought and curiosity lead you into the maze that is your own mind, noticing patterns of thought is what helps you navigate it.
   The first few times these patterns reveal themselves to you, you'll feel lightbulbs go off all around. The maze our mind creates seems random, but actually sprinkled throughout are the same chains of thought repeated over and over again.
   Eg. whenever i would start to approach a topic my mind was trying to avoid, my mind would simply go blank. I would write things like "i don't know" or "hmm, what am i thinking right now". Sometimes I’d pop open twitter or just gaze into the distance. Things that we usually classify as “being lazy” or “not having focus” were actually neither, it was an apprehension of some uncomfortable problem or truth. At this point i know that when these patterns appear, i should really dig in. And i’ve had enough lightbulb moments where the curiosity outweighs the apprehension.
   When certain patterns repeat, that's a indicator to dig deeper. Leverage your curiosity and lift your filters. Discover yourself.

Some days of course, are a wash, you feel that there's something there but you just can't put your finger on it. This is fine, some truths require time to reveal themselves or a different approach. A lot of it is being aware of how you're feeling as you write. Maybe you feel a ball of anxiety somewhere in your chest, or a static haze all around your body. Being able to verbalize these emotions in a way that makes them tactile, allows you to then play with them. To soften the ball to peer in or to peek into the haze and see what the source is. This works for me but you may figure out your own language to converse with yourself.

Journaling your mind and getting to know it intimately is the art of becoming familiar with yourself. To know who you are as a person at a deeply intimate level. And with this intimacy also comes an acceptance of that person.

When you see the true nature of your mind, it makes it impossible to not be empathetic towards yourself. And all the bravery required to take on such a task translates over to your relationships, your work, everything.

At some point, trying to hide what you know to be true about yourself, feels frivolous. One of the biggest wins for me as a person has been what i feel is a wonderful honesty between myself and the rest of the world. Things that I’d tried to fix through various mindset hacks, philosophies automatically fell into place once i befriended my own mind.

I hope this post has been useful, if you have questions feel free to comment/reply to this post. ^_^

H

___________________________________

Hey! If you enjoyed this or found this useful. Why not spread the word and give my ego a little hit of that sweet sweet validation.

Share

My mind today is like a butterfly, only looking for nectar.
My heart is asleep, weary of winter.
I, their parent, am awake. Vigilant and loving and thinking and doing…

As i am, i feel a slight nudge on the heart.

“Hey! wake up”, the nudger says, “for there are things to feel, and feels to thing”.

“That’s an odd phrase, feels to thing”, the heart thinks, “These words, they don’t make sense.”

But the heart in his slumber tries to make some nevertheless.

“Does it mean that i must objectify a feeling ? Or does it mean that when i feel something, then it becomes tangible ? there are things to feel and feels to thing, hmm”.

The nudger, the ever energetic mind, nudges again.
“Yes! do what you do so i can revel in your doing as i do what i”.

Her curiosity is voracious, but the heart is steadfast in his sleep. Nonchalantly napping through the allegory awakened by the weird phrase.

“I’ll wake up soon”, he mumbles. There indeed seem to be feels to thing, whatever that may mean. And the mind is satisfied, she has been promised her nectar for later and she must find some for now.

For my mind, she is a butterfly, only in search of nectar.
My heart is asleep, weary of world.
I, their parent, am awake. Vigilant and loving and thinking and doing…

I’ve been writing regularly in my journal, but not on here. I have a few things i have drafted but they need mechanical reorganization. And that is not a mode I’m in this week.

As i journal-ed this morning i noticed that i was not in touch with my emotions. Interestingly, the more I’ve written about the state, the more i can intentionally nudge it a few ways. And as i nudged it, the following tweet came up.

Actually the whole short story above came up but i only tweeted the first part.

But it wasn’t complete, i needed an image to go with it, so i tagged @Thinkwert for a suitable image and they delivered.

And at that point this post was complete. I genuinely am unsure if there’s much substance in the words, but it was a fun and lilting so i did it.

I nudge my mind and my heart more often these days, at least when i have the luxury to be so gentle. Other times i need a sledgehammer or one is wielded by the world for me.

Wielding sledgehammers. That sounds like a nudge into another discussion. Nudges are good, but sledgehammers are good too. But i think that’s for another time. For now, I’ll end this admittedly carb heavy post right here. There’s more substance in the works.

H

The brain randomly digging up old embarrassing memories is a shared human affliction. It shows up in internet meme-dom over and over in various forms.

It's universal, i've never met another person who hasn't suffered a bout of cringe from an old memory.

Thus, I've started calling these landmine memories, Cringe Bombs. We never know what might trigger one (or if it even needs a trigger) and when they do, they blow up in our face in sticky syrup of shame and embarrassment.

What I've also begun to do, is every time a Cringe Bomb does go off, i attempt to defuse it.

Defusing a cringe bomb means that any time that particular memory pops up again, we do not experience the accompanying cringe. Or at least the effects are muted.

So without much further ado…

How to diffuse a cringe bomb 💣

The moment we experience a cringe bomb, our reflex is to well...cringe, and then try to remove the memory from our current experience. It is uncomfortable and unwelcome and generally not how we want to spend our time feeling.

But if we try to stay with the moment, what do we notice ?

We notice that, in nearly all of these moments, the reason we cringe is because we feel the shame from being judged, perhaps for something we’ve said, or done, or caused. Usually in the presence of other people.

And in the odd case we are alone, the judgement springs from ourselves.

That memory, that moment…ceased to exist as instantly as it had happened. Even the people in that moment, including us, do not exist anymore. We’re now different people.

The only thing that does, is the imprint of that shame and here is where we get our chance to remove it.

In this moment, let’s completely recall who we were in this moment, everything.
Recall how we felt, what we knew, what we didn't know.
Try to recall why we did what we did.

Was that the best option we had? Were we too young to know better?
Think about who we were, understand who we were with all the wisdom hindsight has to offer.

As soon as we start to empathize with that person, judgement will fade.
If our actions were reasonable because of who we were at the time, then judgement itself seems a bit unreasonable.

Congratulations! We've defused a cringe bomb.
This memory will never bother us the same way every again.

H

You and your emotions are a useful duality to split accross.
Separating along your head and heart, rational and feeling.

It's one way in which the metaphor of becoming whole, as described below, holds meaning. If you've traditionally been one to suppress or discard emotion, generally in favor of being someone a bit more "level-headed”, you may find that it resonates a bit more.
And thus, ironically, it resonates universally, as most people do tend to be this way.
Emotions can be tempestuous and it's not uncommon to lean away after a particularly stormy episode involving them. The act of bringing them back into the fold is what i call…

Integration

In an ideal world - I, as the whole - respect and honor my emotions. I feel them, express them, act on them and at times pay dearly for doing so. All of this without regret or resentment towards them. It is a winding path to go down, but when done willingly, gives life and living simplicity.

Each emotion has a seat at the table, no matter how traditionally unpleasant.
Fear has a voice.
Hope has a voice.
Anger has a voice.
Wisdom has a voice.

They will always be a part of me, and i will acknowledge their presence. Inability to be intimate with any one means, I'm not ready to be whole.
Conversely, the ability to do so means i am. This is where - I, as a whole - trust myself.

I - the rational - trust I - the emotional - to speak the truth.
And in turn I - the emotional - trust I - the rational - to act on them appropriately.

There is no trust without honoring and giving each part their due.

At times, the emotional, forces the rational to step aside through pure will
Other times, the rational shuts the emotional down without a word.
My emotions cannot bear to hear opposition to something they feel so strongly and my rationality is too exhausted to deal with my emotions’ lack of reason.

I am not whole, i am two.

Okay, but how do i build this trust, and become whole ?
It all comes down to acts of surrender by each part.
Essentially, giving way to the others will, at the expense of exerting control.

When I - rational - notice that I - emotional - am passionate about a certain act.
I - rational - willingly acknowledge that passion, put judgement aside and act on emotion, even if I suspect acting according to it may turn out to be undesireable.

If it fails, I - emotional - learn humility, I - whole - hone intuition.
And If it doesn't, I - rational - learn humility, I - whole - hone intuition.

And overtime as i build stronger intuition as a whole, rationality will draw on it to act, at times against the wishes of emotion. And depending on the outcome, again, one will learn humility, and i, as a whole, will deepen intuition.

My emotional self now has an ally, instead of a gatekeeper and a stronger Intuition to draw ideas from.
And my rational self, has a guide, instead of an annoyance and a stronger Intuition to draw judgement from.

This builds a whole, capable of astounding resilience.
It is more than symbioses or mere cooperation, this is an integration of my two selves.

It involves time. Cycles of heartbreak and redemption, failures and success. Over and over and over again. It involves moments where I feel lost, moments without faith, moment without hope and then moments with them all in abundance.

And through this, I uncover my soul.
A soul that feels happiness and sorrow with abandon.
A soul that acts, breathes, thinks and believes with abandon.
A soul brighter than supernovae and darker than singularities.
A complete and integrated whole.

I am whole, I am one.

If i’m unable to understand the simplicity of life with integration. I rely solely on rationality to go through life, completely ignoring or discarding my other half. And as I go down this path, my other half rots away or revolts. And neither are a pretty sight.

So why not be whole.

H

The last time was easy, i felt numb and over the course of describing it, i moved into a richer place. I think the most personal aspect of that letter would be me talking about my disposition towards being unfeeling and detached at times. Something i try to counter and understand through stream of consciousness journalism itself. But overall, honestly, i feel that particular affectation is not that abnormal in society. It seems that most people are aware of it, understand it, and feel it to some degree. So the "reveal" wasn't really that high stakes. I even took a perverse pleasure in writing about it as i felt i was acting as some sort of vanguard for open vulnerability.

But over the last week or so, the feeling and mental states that I have been in have been hazier and darker. I would even say violent, not in terms of actual physical violence, but in terms of how erratic and intense they have been.

It's a reminder for me, that to get to a point where something like that can be presented, with clarity: it takes time, patience, and well, clarity itself.

Familiarizing myself with those emotional outbursts. Touching on actually personal subjects that i at times feel ashamed of revealing: intense fear of loneliness, a deep rooted longing for companionship. Things that last week, as i went through trying to put down on the page, came up in sudden torrents of nearly incoherent words. These are subjects where real vulnerability is called for and it doesn't come in spades, at least not at the moment. I'm still hesitant.

And i think it's because of my ability to present it. If i did so now:

1. They genuinely would not add anything to the whole.

2. The artistic bravery i would usually use to back myself with such an act, would seem contrived.

I have also, in my head, been thinking about a more engaging reading experience. Been toying with the idea of testing out a soundtrack for each post. Originals would allow me to put more of myself into these letters and would also nudge you all in certain directions. Something even more interesting becomes a soundtrack that follows where you are on the page, so Substack wouldn't work but i could try something on my website. The more i think about it, the more i like this idea

Throughout last week, due to the stresses of work and the effects of quarantine really starting to play on my rawest insecurities. I spent most of my non-working time either disconnecting and winding down from work or in a haze trying to give attention to whatever was bothering me. I say trying to give attention here in the truest sense. For most things i am biased for action, for emotions, i'm biased to wait, at times to a fault. I intend give it time and space to resolve itself if it can, rather than shortcut my way and add it on as debt for future me. But this also means at times i get stuck here, longer than is needed. And that's where it really becomes an attempt to move rather than an attempt to move forward.

Near the end i had the experience of looking into the metaphorical void, and it really gave me the perspective i needed. I know this is vague, and I do believe i have the words to describe it, but i already have the perfect spot for them in another story, so that's where they'll go.

This week has been better, i currently write this sitting in a big open yard in Joshua Tree with some of my close friends. Every time I've experienced a week like the last, It's nearly always been followed by better. And even though every platitude, fairy tail, and film has tried to ram some version of that fact into my skull for decades, it's a completely different feeling actually believing it every time you're in there again. It's powerful, and comforting.

Like existence itself is on your side, even if time, at the moment, is not.

H

It's an interesting thing to try and examine the nature of this state. The state in which I'm not particularly connected to emotion, but also not necessarily devoid of it. In general i don't find this to be a place where I'm the most Alive.

What usually does follow though, is some version of a rich emotional state. And to be completely transparent, this state isn't what I'd call happy. It is exactly as i said before, rich. Every breath is deep, and feels rich. every moment has a noticeable flavor, and each melds into the next one. Sometimes it is overwhelming to the senses.

Overwhelming to the point where i suspect i dissociate for micro moments, or maybe it's all in my head. I would term it as losing presence, but honestly it could just as well be absolute presence.

If i was to describe my mental and emotional state when I'm under stress and pressure, it would be a taut metal wire. And now if the phrase being "high strung" comes from the feeling or the other way around, not sure. But a taut metallic wire is where i am.

But the state that i referred to before, that, that comes like a wave, again and again and again. When it crests...

…so i paused there as i was typing this because midway through this session i realized i wanted to add this to the newsletter, and naturally my language started to become a little more flowery. Yes, i will put this out but it also must not feel contrived.

Perhaps these posts feeling contrived is something i have to work through. Now i also wonder, for a post like this, do i edit it ? what if i write something extremely personal ? should i go all-in ? i don't know.

What i do know is, i, unlike a lot of really great writers and thinkers, am not well versed with philosophy or obscure pop culture. Where i can make analogies that resolve in a way that the reader feels fulfilled. But what i am very good at, is pouring my thoughts raw onto a page. And i feel that this skill is valuable.

Perhaps this is what H himself should be. An exploration.

I think of the hundreds of notes i have written over the last couple of years. And the sheer amount of insight and discovery i've made into myself and i can't help but feel pride and love for the person i've found. This is a moment where i feel both of those and it feels nice. And also, it seems like i've moved into a slightly "richer" emotional state as i've written this. That makes me feel happy and satisfied.

Yes, more of this it seems.

Yours,

H

The whole practice of writing has been a neglected art in my life. At least in a form that’s not song, and even then, it seems like I’ve only been able to start transmuting these feelings into tangible pieces over the past 6 months. At my pithiest, it’s been a practice of stepping back and allowing creation to happen rather than willing creation into existence. Heartbreak really did open doors, at least on the inside. Speaking of which…

…here’s a track I’ve been near completion since last December.

Now why has it been near completion for a few months, i could put it down to artisanal perfectionism (which really just sounds unnecessary as a phrase that needs to exist). And while not inaccurate, i feel it’s long since left the womb and maybe exposure to a few judgemental aunts and uncles will give it some room to grow. Adding a V0 at the end of the title reassures me much more than any validation on the actual track would.

(h/t to wileycj for helping with the ambient spacey guitar during the verses, and probably the only other person who can help me complete this)

Lastly, I’ve been writing short stories. And a couple have been immensely enjoyable. I’ll be linking them in upcoming letters soon, perhaps with a V0 tacked on as well.